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A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title, and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally, a smart blonde joke!
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Ladies, tired of having a VPL?  You have two options:

Go Commando

Wear Backless Undies

These helpful hints brought to you by Gene Weingarten's humor chat on


Apr. 11th, 2006 04:11 pm
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"This is our team," declared Lynette Jackson, 50, of D.C., who called in sick to her job with the federal Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services so she could attend the game with her family. "I called in to ask for leave and didn't tell them why."

Well, let's hope no one at her work reads the Washington Post!
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This was cute, too.

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He Just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you Your mother & not some other mum?
1.We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mums like me.

What kind of little girl was your mum?
1. My mum has always been my mum and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mum need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to earn pocket money?

Why did your mum marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's Gooffy.
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between mums & dads?
1. Mums work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but mums have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mum do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mum perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mum, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
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This cracked me up....

"Our toddler is terrified of pot holders, especially these two blue ones. Each time I try to take something hot out of the oven, I have to distract our son so he won't see the 'blue monsters.'" -- Faith, Connecticut

"Our 2-year-old daughter hates bubbles. My husband discovered this a year ago when he blew a bubble with his gum. She immediately became hysterical. Now, more than a year later, she's still leery of gum chewers." -- Melissa, Iowa

"One day while walking with my son, I noticed a beautiful butterfly. When I eagerly pointed it out to him, he started screaming and immediately ran to hide. I couldn't believe it. My little boy was afraid of butterflies. I laughed so hard, I had tears in my eyes!" -- Jaime, Florida

"My 10-month-old is terrified of pine trees. Any time he sees one, he'll cling to me or whoever is carrying him and bury his little face to cry." -- Melizza, Illinois

"Our toddler is afraid of aluminum foil and the sound it makes when I crumple it up to throw it away. Whenever he sees it in our kitchen, he makes a pout, which quickly turns into a wail!" -- Sara, New Jersey

"Our baby is scared of our door stopper. Anytime he sees it, he cries so hard he can hardly catch his breath. Now he's carefully crafted his daily crawling path to avoid this scary spot." -- Susan, Florida

"My 1-year-old is afraid of his grandmother's old-fashioned rotary telephone. Whenever we visit her and her phone rings, he cries and tries to run away. Though he gets very upset, it's actually pretty comical." -- Kristyle, Arkansas

"My daughter is deathly afraid of our vacuum cleaner. As soon as I turn it on, she gets a fearful look in her eyes and slowly moves away from it. However, once the vacuum has been turned off, she'll walk around it, examining every inch. She's fearless as long as it's silent." -- Dee, Texas
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Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up der. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, and get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."

VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!

Moments later Knute who's been to the pet shop too, arrives at the cliffs. He walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag and a shotgun. "Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says.

He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot and continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."

BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE, you betcha!!

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag and pulls out a
chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down and hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Ole shakes his head...."First der was Sven with his budgie jumping, den Knute parrotshooting, and now Lars hengliding ...."
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<td align="center"> Neebs's random George Bush quote:!

"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.
-George W. Bush"

Take this quiz at</td>
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G is looking for train track for his G scale trains.

My dad just called me. The converstation went as follows:
Dad: Your train track just arrived here!
Jen: My what??
Dad: Your train track.
Jen: I didn't order any train track.
Dad: Well it's here.
Jen: Well it's not mine.
Dad: Well it has your name on it.
Jen: What the crap. *lightbulb goes off*
Jen: Uh, hold on, let me check my credit card bill, it might be mine after all.

Sure enough, my credit card has been billed. We were looking at track on Amazon on Monday and I clicked "order" by accident but then I cancelled it and I never put in my credit card number, so I forgot about it. Turns out I was logged in to my Amazon account which conveniently has my credit card number saved...and I never actually cancelled the order. Oops.

Oh well. I am now *OFFICIALLY* done Christmas shopping for him!! =)
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Finally, a few ideas you can use and share in the workplace to help stop the spread of flu germs:

If you know you’re sick with the flu, stay home.
Get a flu shot, which not only protects you but helps prevent contagion.
Within a day of becoming ill, ask your doctor about antiviral medications, which can shorten the episode and contain the virus.
Be especially cautious between late December and early March, the peak of flu season.
Sneeze or cough into your elbow, not into your hands.
Clean phones, doorknobs and desktops with alcohol swabs.
Throw used tissues away!
Wash your hands and face often with hot, soapy water.
During flu season, never let anyone lick your keyboard.

My favorite is the last one. As if non-flu season is an acceptable time to let someone LICK YOUR KEYBOARD. Ew.
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I know this headline shouldn't be funny, but it is.

"EU Says Deadly Asia Bird Flu Found in Turkey"

That would be Turkey the country. The bird flu has migrated over there.
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"It is not economical to go to bed early to save the candles if the result is twins."

~Chinese Proverb
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I am laughing my buns off right now.

Your Fortune Is

Cow with no legs, ground beef.

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Greeting cards for when you're having an affair

Our bad

Jun. 21st, 2005 04:14 pm
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A correction from the Washington Post:

"Articles on April 25 and 26 about Pope Benedict XVI said that St. Peter was the founder of the Roman Catholic Church. According to the church, Jesus was the founder."
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DC Police Chief has car stolen.

And not his personal car--no, his unmarked police cruiser.  Gotta love DC.
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This made me laugh.  And on a Monday, we can all use that!!

Never Copped a Feel


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